Sex Should Be Sexy - Par Femme

by Tabitha Laffernis

We’ve all been haunted by some form of ‘how to please your man’ listicle - you know the ones. Chock-full of 72 performative moves that have little to do with real connection or intimacy. That stops with us. Yes, your partner, whatever their gender, deserves pleasure just as you do. But it takes two to tango, and pleasure isn’t about going through the motions. In short: we want sex to be properly sexy.

We’re not talking reverse cowgirl (nor, it should be said, are we against it), whipped cream that’s practically begging a yeast infection to make an appearance, or techniques that result in friction burns. We’re getting back to basics. Before you break the rules, you need to know them.

Talk it out.
Teenagers are often told that if you can’t talk about sex, you’re not ready to have it. For whatever reason, people seem to stop applying that logic in adulthood. And yet sex remains taboo: our kinks, limits, fantasies, ground rules, expectations. Something I have always been struck by - anecdotally at least - is that communities that have a clear language around their proclivities (for example, the BDSM community) tend to also have more open communication around boundaries. If you lean more vanilla, there’s a lesson in this: whether you’re in or out of bed, taking the opportunity for clarity is one of the best things you could do for yourself and your partner.

Take your time.
We’ve been taught that a flurry is sexy - all those movies where the protagonists can’t keep their hands off each other, slamming against walls - yes, fine, they’re hot. You know what else is hot? Delayed gratification. Take those knickers off slowly. Don’t strain your joints.

Lube stigma is been, done, gone.
There’s really no case against this: lube is slippery, slick, sexy. We love lube. Use more lube. Make sure you pick one that’s compatible with your toys, your condoms, your activity of choice, and your pH.

Touch is a sense, too.
Non-sexual touch is just as important. So many of us have dealt with the very real phenomenon of skin hunger this year. The next time you’re getting cosy with someone, really explore their body with yours. There’s an old Friends episode which is probably problematic (it’s been a while since I’ve seen it, and I’m not going to watch it again for the sake of this piece, but let’s assume it didn’t age well) where Monica identifies seven nameless erogenous zones. Here’s a challenge: find your seven, and the seven you love on someone else. Vote one for the dip between shoulder joints.

Crush your Kegels.
As one of the only one of my friends who doesn’t have and doesn’t particularly want children, the allure of Kegels eluded me for a long time. No more. A strong pelvic floor doesn’t discriminate: the health benefits are for everyone (including men), and those contractions are a true bedroom flex. There are plenty of free apps to keep you on track and guide you through timed squeezes every day - or make your routine pleasurable with these tools.

Vibrators.
Well, we would say this - being in the business of vibrators and all. But in fact, much like lube, we all know there can still be some resistance to introducing toys in the bedrooms. To that, we say: push back. Especially if clitoral stimulation is your thing: work it into your repertoire. If your partner isn’t ecstatic about your orgasms, dump him (in this instance, I’m pretty sure it could only be a ‘him’).

You can leave your light on.
Hear me out. Your partner wants to see you. You want to see them. Seeing each other is hot. Leave your inhibitions at the door. We love to see it.

Tabitha Laffernis is a writer based in Sydney, Australia. Her short fiction has been published in Flapperhouse, Hobart, and Gigantic Sequins. You can keep tabs on her work here.

Image: Pinterest


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