Frequently Asked Sex Questions Answered By Sexologist Georgia Grace - Par Femme

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by Par Femme

Our recent Instagram Live Q&A with sex educator Georgia Grace was illuminating to say the least. We learned that, while sex is as diverse as the people who have it, there are definitely some recurring themes that affect all of us at one point or another. Here, Georgia recaps some of the most frequently asked questions she received during the Q&A and in her career on the topic of sex. You might want to add this one to your bookmarks...

“Hi. I’m Georgia Grace and here I'm going to recap some of the most commonly asked questions we got from you lovely people for the Instagram Live Q&A at Par Femme.

FAQ #1: Why do I orgasm when I masturbate and not during sex? 

“One of the most frequently asked questions we received was about why masturbation is more effective at bringing about orgasms than sex. This could be for a few reasons. Probably because when you’re masturbating, you’re stimulating your body in the way you like, you can get in the right position and touch yourself in the way you want. When you’re having sex with other/s there are a few other things going and you can't always get the desired stimulation.The majority of women need clitorial stimulation to climax, and if you’re having penetrative sex alone, it’s likely you're not stimulating the clit at all. Here are a few things you can do:

1. Take the goal out of sex, i.e. take orgasm off the cards and come back to pleasure and sensation
2. Build arousal by stimulating your whole body
3. Bring the clitoris into the experience
      FAQ #2: I lack sexual confidence because I'm inexperienced. Help!

      “Another common theme in audience questions was around sexual inexperience. This is actually really common. Remember, every time you have sex with a new person, you will be inexperienced—and so will they! This is a new person, new body, new desires and interests you need to learn how to have sex together. Regardless of how many sexual partners you've had, you should approach each sexual experience with an openness to learn with them. What you can do? Start with this:

      1. Practice sexual mindfulness. Focus on pleasure and sensation rather than what it should look like.

      2. Communicate. Try asking these two questions: how would you like to be touched, how do you want to touch me?

      FAQ #3: What’s the best way to introduce toys during partnered sex?

      Here are the three most important things to remember if you want to bring toys into your sexual relationship:

      1. Communicate: Consent and communication must be present before, during and after sex, especially when it comes to introducing a toy. Don’t assume they’ll be okay with you whipping out a sex toy mid sesh. When having conversations around sex it can be awkward or clunky at first, so intend to normalise the discussion. A one-liner that may work for you: I’m curious about sex toys, how would you feel if I bought us a toy? 

      2. Address the concerns: Maybe they are hesitant because they believe some myths, like they’ll be replaced or toys will desensitise genitals. If your partner has concerns, reassurance can go a long way... as much as you love your toy, it will not and can not replace them. 

      3. Focus on the benefits: There are so many benefits to exploring sex toys! Figure out what the benefits might be for you and your relationship and communicate. Here are some of the benefits of bringing toys into a sexual relationship:

      • Toys can allow you to feel sensations you like, or that you’re curious about
      • Toys help enhance sensation, not replace human connection
      • Toys are great for quenching curiosity or newness in a long-term relationship
      • Reaching orgasm isn’t as linear as we’re lead to believe, and toys may help you get “there”
      • Toys are great for mixing it up and creating variety, and variety during sex can lead to increased access to pleasure
      FAQ #4: My desire/libido has changed during isolation. Why?

      “Finally, we had plenty of people concerned about a change in their sex drives brought on because of physical isolation due to COVID-19. 

      People experience stress and anxiety for a range of reasons and this can have a huge impact on sexual response. There’s the obvious psychological response to experiencing stress, it can cause you to be distant, dizzy or hazy, distracting you from desiring sex or being present during sex. It can impact your mood, leading to anxiety and depression, which can have an impact on libido and desire. There’s also a physiological explanation for the impact stress has on sex.

      When you’re stressed, your body goes into fight or flight response, meaning you prepare to run away or stay and fight. When you’re in fight or flight response, you’re heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing rate increase while non-essential functions, like sex drive, are acutely diminished. These responses also trigger the release of hormones, such as cortisol and epinephrine, which in high levels can cause decreased sex drive. Your you’re chronically stressed your body uses sex hormones to meet the increased demands for higher cortisol production, decreasing your interest in sex. 

      “Stacks of research has proven that mindfully experiencing sensation can ease stress and expand your relationship with pleasure together. When you bring awareness to pleasure you will feel more present and aware of the dynamic sensations occurring within your body, you will also feel more connected to each other so you can have really good sex. For many couples, this is an important first step to connect in with each other and ground before tackling the radical and provoking topics of sex and pleasure. By practicing simple activities, you will deepen the possibility of creating the space for more pleasure, deeper intimacy and expanded experience within your relationship.”

      — Georgia Grace

      You can follow Georgia Grace at @gspot._ and browse her website to find out first about courses and special events.

      Stay tuned for more live online events at Par Femme.

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